“What is the most important thing in my life?”, I ask myself everyday. The answer from my inner gut is always ME, myself, Vivien. Maybe looking at this answer you may think that I am a selfish person, but actually I am not. Since I was small, I was educated to put focus on other people, because I was convinced that I am not important at all. Yes, it constructed a low self-esteem me. I was highly sensitive, easily hurt by an unintentional word and action from others.
Let me share about my real story to you. Because of the low self-esteem, I become a perfectionist, I am harsh to myself, the goals were the peak of mountain for me, but I try to climb up the hill just to prove to myself that I can do it. I still remember, a goal of mine is to be someone who have high presentation skill- means that I wanna make sure every audience look at me when I was presenting. For myself, I want to have zero nervousness, zero error, zero fear for the sake to achieve my harsh goal. I still remember during my presentation of FYP, I almost fail the presentation because of the attack of nervousness. I was disappointed to myself very deeply.
Wait, wait a moment. Why must I prove the self-existence by achieving every big goal that I have made? Suddenly, I realised that the way of living was wrong. I started to ask myself, “Where is my happiness? What do I gain for the pass 23 years? Do I succeed?”. No, I dint get anything from the actions I took. I started to observe how people live happily. Yes, I realised. Happiness is not coming from the external environment, it is not because of someone treating you good. It is all from inside. Basically, it comes from your inner resources such as good mindsets create good circumference no matter how worse the environments are.
Once I realised that I can create my own life by changing my inner belief or interpretation on the outside world, my life has started to change. I change the way I communicate with other because I believe that everyone has his own story and the story changes the personality of a person. If I saw a person who is sarcastic, probably I will think that he has high expectation on himself and he made it but he couldn’t tolerate with someone who just be relax in every situation. Once I started to wear an empathetic spectacles for myself, my world changes.
Lastly, the person who I appreciate the most is myself. Thank to her determination, I would able to learn some lessons from the mistake I have made instead of giving up. Thank to her curiosity, I would able to gain philosophical and psychological knowledge from books and Mr. Google. Thank to her bravery, making her become a warrior of her life and become someone who dare to dream.